For The Gentlemen V: A Gentleman at the Gas Pump

A Gentleman never passes up an adventure. It doesn’t matter if it’s a treasure map, his father's diary that was mysteriously mailed to him shortly before his untimely disappearance, or a shady yet alluring woman that wanders into his office requiring his services as a private investigator. The True Gentleman seizes every opportunity to gain another great story and, if he's lucky, change the very course of history. But a gentleman sees adventures in everyday things as well. Such as: using a public restroom, returning a jacket at Belk, or trying to meet with his college advisor who apparently is either

A. Dead.

B. Out of the country.

-or-

C. A freaking ninja.

But among these mundane endeavors, getting gas is without a doubt the greatest. It starts normally enough. you pull in to one of the thousand or so gas stations that are seemingly always placed on the opposite side of the street and exit your vehicle. you pull out your wallet only to find the only money you have is in the form of a debit card. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but you’ve had a few rough times lately (and by rough times you mean a seriously epic weekend). You’re pretty sure you have at least twenty-four dollars in the account but better make put in an even twenty just to be safe. Now, normally a gentleman never plays it safe, but those overdraft charges are a huge pain in the ass. Like, for real. Seriously, don’t screw with banks, ok? After what happened last year, it’s clear they must be run by evil wizards or perhaps some darker being (Oprah maybe?) But I digress.Once You put your card in and start pumping, it begins.

As the numbers rise, so does the tension. The twenty dollar mark grows nearer and nearer. Your heart quickens; sending adrenaline into the blood stream, heightening the senses, and readying your reflexes for the pivotal moment. It is here that a Gentleman faces his first decision. Do you hold the trigger down the entire time, realeasing it only at the last possible second and catching it at twenty dollars even on the first try? Or do you let go of the pump at about fifty cents away, and slowly pump your way to the limit like some farmers wife churning butter? No. You are no paltry milk maid, you are a Gentleman. So you steel yourself, ready your mind, and watch the numbers climb higher and higher. Your palms grow sweaty and you fix your grip. Never mind those bikini-clad pieces of jailbait off to the side attempting to raise money for whatever worthless cause they are promoting, your focus must stay on that pump. The numbers race higher and higher. Your breathing quickens. Higher and higher. The adrenalin courses through you now, making your body shake with nervous energy. Higher and higher. What’s this? The girls have started a water hose fight? FOCUS MAN! There will be time enough for tail chasing when this is over, but right now your very worth as a human being and, more importantly; as a Gentleman is at stake! Higher and higher… fifty cents away now... higher and higher...twenty cents …Higher and Higher, a brief flicker of fear and doubt dances across your mind but you bat that away and redouble your concentration. Higher and higher. The numbers flicker hypnotically, seeming to speed up as the limit grows closer. All around you sounds, colors, and smells blend together and your vision spins wildly into a sensory maelstrom, but you remain focused on the display as it counts down the last five cents. Here it is man. Your moment. The very day you were born for. HIGHER AND HIGHER you've come this far and braved so much, will you falter? Will you fail? HIGHER AND HIGHER No! You will succeed! Now grasp your moment man. Three cents...TAKE YOUR BIRTHRIGHT!! ....two cents...SEIZE YOUR GLORY!!!... one cent...NOW!!!!!!!....and then it happens.

Time is reduced from a raging and unstoppable river to a minuscule trickle as you reach a plane of being that only fighter pilots, professional athletes, and golfers who have Will Smith as a caddy, reach. You see the world as never before. Things that puzzled you in a previous time suddenly become clear. “Lost” and Lil Wayne songs make perfect sense to you now. You have become perfectly in tune with your universe. You feel the smooth handle of the pump head. You sense the river of gasoline coursing through the hose and emptying into the tank. You hear each drop as it splashes sonorously into the dark and magnificent lake of fuel. And so when you see the display flick ever so slowly one last time, you simply…. let go.

Suddenly everything comes rushing back to you, crashing together into a chaotic cacophony of sights, sounds, and smells. You stand dazed, feeling as if you have just packed an entire lifetime into the span of a few seconds. You look around to get your bearings and see the cheerleaders are still washing cars. It’s still day time, there’s a gas pu-THE GAS PUMP!!!! Your eyes snap to the digital display. They’re still a little fuzzy so it’s hard to make out but, did you-…20.00.................YES!!!! YOU DID IT, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, YOU DID IT!!!!!

You collapse in a mixture of exhilaration and exhaustion. Now the cheerleaders rush over to see why you have suddenly fallen. Tenderly they stroke your hair and sooth you, saying: "Poor baby!" and “Can we do anything for you?" and “Don’t you go to our college?"......"college"? Not high school? Oh verily, this is a day among days! And yet….

The battle has been won but the war is not yet over. You are now faced with your biggest decision yet. Do you now, surrounded by beautiful women and flushed with this recent victory, acquire a few phone numbers and drive away? Or do you tempt fate and gamble the free pump*? It’s an endeavor that requires a hawk’s eye and a pimp's hand. It separates legends from heroes and is NOT to be taken lightly. So what’s your choice? Are you bold enough? Are you daring? Are you a True Gentleman? Well boy, we’re waiting…..

Stay tuned for part two!!

*The free pump is when, after reaching the exact dollar amount, (for instance 20.00 dollars) you pump the handle one last time and get a tiny bit of gas without the price changing. It’s truly a daring move, and is rarely attempted even by True Gentlemen.