Gentleman Of The Day: Mr. Peanut

Name: Mr. Peanut (but you will refer to him as "Sir")

Life: Mr peanut has no beginning and no end. He simply is.

Romantic Interest: Making slow, sweet, honey roasted love to your taste buds

Famous Quote: His gentlemanliness is such that he has never required words.

Mr peanut: Suave, debonair, lightly salted, and Dangerous. all the things that true gentlemen aspire to be. Mr peanut has been the embodiment of simple elegance, and pimp handedness for generations. He has served on the Gentleman's world council since the mid forties and was responsible for finding the only way to destroy a douchebag**

His accomplishments include: Being the only gentleman to successfully rock a monocle after the death of Teddy Roosevelt*. Bringing salty, evenly roasted goodness to us all for decades. And keepin his pimp hand strong enough to smack Snoop Dogg back to the mid nineties where he belongs

*After the death of Teddy Roosevelt, gentlemen everywhere unanimously agreed that no one would ever look as good in a monocle again however, many simply feared that should they attempt to; Roosevelt's spirit would return and dish out some good ole fashioned turn of the century ass kickings.

** see here

Ask A Gentleman

The Question: “I’d like to ask a gentleman, when defending a woman's honor, is there a preferred weapon for the gentleman? Should I use a classic weapon or a more modern one? If I use a sword, should I use a katana or a long sword? "-Mr. Gibbons

The Answer: Mr. Gibbons, thank you for that excellent question. First and foremost: a Gentleman never uses guns. Not because of any rule or tradition, its just that dueling pistols are crazy expensive, not to mention they are a HUGE pain to load and maintain and its honestly just not worth the effort. ( also, when you bring a man to the hospital with a gunshot wound, certain people tend to get nosy)

But, in most cases it’s all a matter of context. The weapon of choice must always fit the combatant and the circumstances of the offense. For example: If a common ruffian gives offense, use a good sturdy baseball bat.

Here is a handy quick-reference guide for the most common offenders, and the appropriate weapon for each.

OFFENDER - WEAPON

1. Native American- manifest destiny
2. Common ruffian-baseball bat (preferably wood)
3. French Nobleman- rapier
4. Mexican Bandit- glue, paper mache, and hefty stick

GOTD: Aragorn

Name: Aragorn, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arv-Pshh, screw this.

Life: 2931, of the Third Age -120 of the Fourth Age ( I'm sure it makes sense somehow)

Romantic Interests: A Smokin hot elven princess; Arwen. (Although, there was that nasty rumor about a weekend in cabo with legolas.)

Famous Quote: "A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. "

Fearless on the battle field, irresistible to maidens, and in constant need of a shower; Arragon is the quentisential Rugged Gentleman. Whether he's leading a lethal force of unstoppable phantoms, single handedly beating the piss out of entire armies, or silently brooding about just how awesome his is; Aragorn makes all men around him seem like total vagi* by comparison

His accomplishments include: Leading and protecting (for the most part) a group of idiots with the WORST decision making skills ever, reclaiming the throne of his ancestors, and leading a laughably small army to victory against a powerful evil entity and his army of mindless killing machines using only hope, sheer will, and blatant Christian allegories

*Vagi is the plural form of vag. . EX: " Jake and Luke wont come sky diving with us" "what a couple of vagi"

For The Gentlemen V: A Gentleman at the Gas Pump

A Gentleman never passes up an adventure. It doesn’t matter if it’s a treasure map, his father's diary that was mysteriously mailed to him shortly before his untimely disappearance, or a shady yet alluring woman that wanders into his office requiring his services as a private investigator. The True Gentleman seizes every opportunity to gain another great story and, if he's lucky, change the very course of history. But a gentleman sees adventures in everyday things as well. Such as: using a public restroom, returning a jacket at Belk, or trying to meet with his college advisor who apparently is either

A. Dead.

B. Out of the country.

-or-

C. A freaking ninja.

But among these mundane endeavors, getting gas is without a doubt the greatest. It starts normally enough. you pull in to one of the thousand or so gas stations that are seemingly always placed on the opposite side of the street and exit your vehicle. you pull out your wallet only to find the only money you have is in the form of a debit card. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but you’ve had a few rough times lately (and by rough times you mean a seriously epic weekend). You’re pretty sure you have at least twenty-four dollars in the account but better make put in an even twenty just to be safe. Now, normally a gentleman never plays it safe, but those overdraft charges are a huge pain in the ass. Like, for real. Seriously, don’t screw with banks, ok? After what happened last year, it’s clear they must be run by evil wizards or perhaps some darker being (Oprah maybe?) But I digress.Once You put your card in and start pumping, it begins.

As the numbers rise, so does the tension. The twenty dollar mark grows nearer and nearer. Your heart quickens; sending adrenaline into the blood stream, heightening the senses, and readying your reflexes for the pivotal moment. It is here that a Gentleman faces his first decision. Do you hold the trigger down the entire time, realeasing it only at the last possible second and catching it at twenty dollars even on the first try? Or do you let go of the pump at about fifty cents away, and slowly pump your way to the limit like some farmers wife churning butter? No. You are no paltry milk maid, you are a Gentleman. So you steel yourself, ready your mind, and watch the numbers climb higher and higher. Your palms grow sweaty and you fix your grip. Never mind those bikini-clad pieces of jailbait off to the side attempting to raise money for whatever worthless cause they are promoting, your focus must stay on that pump. The numbers race higher and higher. Your breathing quickens. Higher and higher. The adrenalin courses through you now, making your body shake with nervous energy. Higher and higher. What’s this? The girls have started a water hose fight? FOCUS MAN! There will be time enough for tail chasing when this is over, but right now your very worth as a human being and, more importantly; as a Gentleman is at stake! Higher and higher… fifty cents away now... higher and higher...twenty cents …Higher and Higher, a brief flicker of fear and doubt dances across your mind but you bat that away and redouble your concentration. Higher and higher. The numbers flicker hypnotically, seeming to speed up as the limit grows closer. All around you sounds, colors, and smells blend together and your vision spins wildly into a sensory maelstrom, but you remain focused on the display as it counts down the last five cents. Here it is man. Your moment. The very day you were born for. HIGHER AND HIGHER you've come this far and braved so much, will you falter? Will you fail? HIGHER AND HIGHER No! You will succeed! Now grasp your moment man. Three cents...TAKE YOUR BIRTHRIGHT!! ....two cents...SEIZE YOUR GLORY!!!... one cent...NOW!!!!!!!....and then it happens.

Time is reduced from a raging and unstoppable river to a minuscule trickle as you reach a plane of being that only fighter pilots, professional athletes, and golfers who have Will Smith as a caddy, reach. You see the world as never before. Things that puzzled you in a previous time suddenly become clear. “Lost” and Lil Wayne songs make perfect sense to you now. You have become perfectly in tune with your universe. You feel the smooth handle of the pump head. You sense the river of gasoline coursing through the hose and emptying into the tank. You hear each drop as it splashes sonorously into the dark and magnificent lake of fuel. And so when you see the display flick ever so slowly one last time, you simply…. let go.

Suddenly everything comes rushing back to you, crashing together into a chaotic cacophony of sights, sounds, and smells. You stand dazed, feeling as if you have just packed an entire lifetime into the span of a few seconds. You look around to get your bearings and see the cheerleaders are still washing cars. It’s still day time, there’s a gas pu-THE GAS PUMP!!!! Your eyes snap to the digital display. They’re still a little fuzzy so it’s hard to make out but, did you-…20.00.................YES!!!! YOU DID IT, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, YOU DID IT!!!!!

You collapse in a mixture of exhilaration and exhaustion. Now the cheerleaders rush over to see why you have suddenly fallen. Tenderly they stroke your hair and sooth you, saying: "Poor baby!" and “Can we do anything for you?" and “Don’t you go to our college?"......"college"? Not high school? Oh verily, this is a day among days! And yet….

The battle has been won but the war is not yet over. You are now faced with your biggest decision yet. Do you now, surrounded by beautiful women and flushed with this recent victory, acquire a few phone numbers and drive away? Or do you tempt fate and gamble the free pump*? It’s an endeavor that requires a hawk’s eye and a pimp's hand. It separates legends from heroes and is NOT to be taken lightly. So what’s your choice? Are you bold enough? Are you daring? Are you a True Gentleman? Well boy, we’re waiting…..

Stay tuned for part two!!

*The free pump is when, after reaching the exact dollar amount, (for instance 20.00 dollars) you pump the handle one last time and get a tiny bit of gas without the price changing. It’s truly a daring move, and is rarely attempted even by True Gentlemen.

Gentleman of the Day: Obi Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan Kenobi

Life: more dead than you can possibly imagine

Romantic Interests: ...R2D2?

Famous quote: " $%#@ my life...."

Obi Wan Kenobi is an elegant gentleman from a more civilized age. Whether he's impotently watching his master get murdered, training an extremely powerful Sith lord, or leading the losing side of the clone wars, ( starting to wish you'd picked someone else huh?) he comports himself like a true gentleman.


his accomplishments include ..........uuhhh...........hmm........he killed-no that was Luke............well damn..........OH YEAH! He died.

-AJ

The Salvation Army: The Art Garfunkle of Charities

Gentlemen, one of the great aspects of civilization and cultures is that of charity. Whether it be from people or organizations,the charity of a society stands as a testament to it's character. But some of you may be wondering: what is charity? where does it come from? how can i exploit it for my own gains? Can it be killed with conventional weaponry? All excellent questions. lets begin with the definition and history of charity.

the Merriam Websters dictionary defines charity as:

Charity. char·i·ty.Pronunciation: \ˈcher-ə-tē,\ 1: benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity.2 a: generosity and helpfulness especially toward the needy or suffering; also: aid given to those in need. b: an institution engaged in relief of the poor.

While most universities and academic publications would except the Merriam Websters definition as acceptable, FTG is dedicated to promoting diversity, new ideas and eclectic thinking in our readers........so, here's a different definition from urbandictionary.com:

CHARITY	57 up, 145 down
	buy charity mugs, tshirts and magnets 1. Having sex with a fat chick

.........................Indeed...... well, moving on. The concept of charity ( as opposed to welfare which originated with Grecian society) began with Judaism and ancient Hebrew society. charity then was more or less a religious obligation, although it mainly pertained to family members such as widowed women and the destitute. however, when no family could or would help, it fell on the community to help. This concept, like many of Judaism, continued on into Christianity and snowballed to eventually become a large aspect of the Catholic (and now protestant) church.

During the middle ages and early renaissance period, the catholic church took the idea of Christian charity, and ran with...and i mean they hauled ass. The church's charity was especially prolific in Spain. here, the church worked tirelessly to help the Jews, Muslims,and other "heathens" of Spain and eased their burden of not agreeing with the church, as well as to quell the rampant spread of a terrible disease ( many priest called it DoesntGiveUsEnoughMoneyitis.) The church also sent hundreds of missionaries to the middle east in in a massive disaster relief effort ( the disaster: other people lived there)

Ah, such generosity.

Unfortunately, the church has had cut back on its charity work in recent centuries. However, this has enabled several groups and organizations to take up the plow. One of the largest and most well known charities in the world is the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army has worked tirelessly for the less fortunate for almost a century and a half. Organizing food drives, operating soup kitchens and food pantries, and countless disaster relief efforts are just a few of its numerous projects. also, thanks to their bell ringers initiative, they also make up 50% of the worlds hand bell consumers ( invalids and Victorian caroling enthusiasts make up the other 50)

but in the past few years the Salvation army has starting to let all their success go to their head. in fact, in 2008 they went so far as to change their motto. WARNING. what you are about to see has mass amounts of douchebaggery. those with allergies, please be advised




i would now like to directly address the salvation army:

dear salvation army,

Really guys? Really? "The Most Good"? congratulations, you have effectively "Garfunkled" the charity world. That is an exceptionally dick-move gentlemen. What could possibly make you think that that would be ok? Did you think no other organizations would notice? did you forget about the thousands of charitable organizations across the world? what about "Amnesty International", "Jerry's Kids", LANCE FREAKING ARMSTRONG??!!?!?!? Your giving away soup while he's out fighting ball-cancer. AND once the red cross gets wind of this, theya re gonna beat the arrogant crap out of you and i honestly cant blame them..... listen, guys....*sigh*..... you do great things, no one is questioning that. You irritate us as we go into Walmarts, You guilt trip us on an almost year round basis... you're doing a good job i guess is what I'm saying. But listen, there's absolutely no need to be such a douche about it. Now, I'm not mad, I'm just very disappointed. I expected more out of you, we all did. Now, whata ya say we change that motto, dress up as Santas, and go guilt trip the hell out of upper middle class people at high end shopping centers? huh champ? that sound good? yeah i thought you'd like that. now go get ready sport.

-AJ

***Tune in for the second installment of this article entitled: "Andrew's Court Ordered Apology To The Salvation Army In Order To Avoid A Massive Lawsuit." undoubtedly coming soon!!!!!***

Gentleman Of The Day: James Bond

James Bond

Life: has been 34 for the past 40 years

Romantic Involvement: .......yes.

Famous Quote: " Just a stiffness coming on...in the shoulder"

James bond is without a doubt one of the greatest men ever to have never existed. He is the gentleman's gentleman. He is what every gentleman strives to be: adventurous, witty, borderline alcoholic, and up to his eyeballs in tang.

His accomplishments include: Turning a beautiful lesbian straight, singlehandedly winning the cold war, giving us "Goldeneye 007": the greatest multi-player FPS since DOOM, and contracting enough VD to bankrupt an insurance company.

For The Gentlemen IV: Lingerie Football

Gentlemen, i have no doubt that by now most of you got the email sent out by the World Gentlemen's Council and were told about the newest masturbation fodder to make it past the FCC. I'm speaking of course about the LFL: Lingerie Football League. according to Wikipedia:

"The concept originated from the Super Bowl halftime alternative television special called the Lingerie Bowl which draws millions of viewers as a pay-per-viewevent broadcast annually directly opposite the Super Bowl halftime show. The television show has become a staple of Super Bowl Sunday festivities for millions worldwide being broadcast in over 85 countries." [1]

which makes perfect sense because after an hour and a half of full on testosterone awesomeness, you need some sexy, estrogen sorbet to cool the pallet before the second course. Plus, people will watch pretty much anything if you build it up huge and only show it once a year. ( how else do you explain the CMA's ?)

However, If i may, id like to address the creators of the LFL today. I have one thing to say: good hustle. I'm serious gentlemen, you gave it your best shot and trust me, we all appreciate the effort. Unfortunately its just not what we imagined it to be. somehow, somewhere between our imaginations an reality something was lost. But you aren't to blame gentlemen. In fact, no one is, it's a good solid concept. Football is awesome and so are beautiful, scantily clad women. and if X=Z and Y=Z then X+Y should equal 2Z, but it doesn't somehow. It just equals disappointment. The fact is: The Lingerie Football League will only ever be a dream. Granted, a really awesome

dream, but a dream nonetheless, and I'll tell you why,

First of all, lingerie football is a lot like watching NFL cheerleaders: fun for the first five minutes but once you realize there wont be any nudity its just depressing. Secondly, muscled, yet hot women make us feel conflicted. now we've all had the occasional confused feelings about a hot, ripped, female athlete but we do our best to push those feelings deep down to the place where we keep our guilt, shame, and love of Lady Gaga songs ( I wont tell if you wont ). But watching a field full of women who are beautiful and more cut than we are, beat the living crap out of each other, doesn't really help.

Also, one of the great things about football is how it brings men together, especially fathers and their sons. Watching a game with you dad and your grandpa and hearing about the great moments in the game that they remember gives you a sens of belonging to the team ( of whatever sport) and is a quintessential male experience. Its a way for fathers and sons to come together for three hours and just be men. But let me ask you something: how awkward does it get when your all sitting there watching the game and then a provocative commercial comes on? its gets just the wee littlest b

it

awkward doesn't it? Now, take that weirdness, multiply it by 3, and stretch it over a full hour. doesn't sound too exciting does it? ( maybe"exciting" isn't the best word there....) well thats what you get with LF.

And lastly watching an LFL game as a sport is like watching a WNBA game.....except more boring. Now, you will never hear me downplay the physical ability of female athletes regardless of what sport they play. ( And i mean real sports like basketball and Olympic gymnastics, not BS sports like curling, fishing or baseball.) Mainly its because i don't have an ounce of athletic ability in my entire body. ( which is saying something because I've got a lot of ounces to choose from.)but also because t

hese women train very hard day in and day out to be great at something they love. the only problem is, watching what them do what they love is boring. as. hell.

And so Gentlemen, I'd like to leave you with one last thought: does anyone else find it freaking hilarious that the only way to make women's athletic events even remotely interesting, is for the participants to be more than halfway naked? case in point: Olympic women's volleyball.

Ah, America.

-AJ

1.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lingerie_Football_League

2.http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/BigTanker22/829.jpg

Gentleman of the Day

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Life: 1881-1997

Romantic Involvment: uuhh...............

Residence: Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry,Godric's Hollow, and your imagination.

Famous Quote: "You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."

A.P.W.B.D. was a gentleman, scholar, and for lack of a better term: a total badass. Remembered as perhaps the greatest wizard in history (second only to merlin) it is no small wonder that he would be FTG's first Gentleman of the Day.

His accomplishments include: defeating the evil German wizard (and blatant Nazi allegory), Gellert Grendelwald in 1945, discovering the 12 uses for dragons blood, and being arrested a grand total of two hundred and fourteen times for endangering the welfare of a minor.

For The Gentlemen II: A Thought Occurs

Gentlemen,tonight I layed in bed (nude) and pondered the human condition. I pontificated over mankind's eternal pursuit of love and acceptance. How man is never satisfied with what he has and is always striving for more.I thought about the fine line between good and evil, and about all the evils of man and how even in the blackest soul of the most evil man in exsitence there always lies the tiniest bit of light and goodness, and how given only slightly different circumstances he could have been the most saintly man imaginable and done more good than any could ever hope to accomplish. Then I thought about fate and wondered aloud ( much to the displeasure of those in my house who were asleep because when i wonder aloud i talk in a very loud and incredulous voice. i also speak with a Swahili accent but thats hardly the point) if man is really in control of his own life. perhaps there really is some higher power directing everything and keeping watch over creation.
Then my mind wandered into other territories such as the world and how I could make it a better place with my few years here ( 56 btw. ive already planned it all out. mark your calenders cause its gonna be one hell of a suicide ). I thought about the actions I could take to improve things if only a litle bit and if only for a short while. I wondered if it would make any difference and if not; then why was I here? (i then wished fervently that it was to be the cotton candy equivalent of willy wonka) I wondered why anyone was here. I ruminated on life, the universe, and every thing, and got absolutely lost within the limitless expanse of my own imagination. I sailed through galaxies and soared alongside comets. I sat awestruck at the vastness of the universe and stared in sheer wonder at it all. And at the end of all this, as I lay in my bed, bare ass naked, a thought came to me. A thought that made all of that seem totally and utterly insignificant. it was a realization of epic porportions and yet it was comprised of just one simple truth. and that thought? that grand nugget of truth and wisdom? THAT METEORIC THUNDERBOLT OF GLORIOUS KNOWLEDGE??????......... Simply this: The Shawshank Redemption is the greatest movie ever made.

-AJ

For The Gentlemen I: The Gentleman's Morning Piss

Gentlemen, let me start of by getting something out of the way: Boobies. There. It’s been said and it’s on the table. Just take a moment and chuckle quietly to yourself.…..Done? Good. Now, on to business. If you’re like me there are times throughout your day when your male mind just wanders off without telling you where he's going, much like an A.D.D five year old at six flags. During these carefree romps through the trash filled walkways of an overrated amusement park that is the male consciousness, he happens upon things so wild and unimaginable, that no one besides another gentleman would ever understand or appreciate it.

For instance: "If women are such good fashion designers, and gay gentlemen are such good fashion designers, then why aren't lesbians some type of super designer?" Now some people say that the two factors cancel each other out, but I disagree. However, that’s a discussion for another day. My main example here is that of the morning pee.

The male morning pee is as predictable as the sunrise, as ever present as gravity, and as necessary as a meth lab is to a trailer park (if you live in a trailer park and are offended by the last comment, don't be. It’s there; you just aren't tweaking hard enough to sense it). But it’s not just the morning constitution itself that has me so intrigued. It’s that every two or three months you take a pee so long that after you finish, you immediately regret not timing it.

This is one of those rare moments that is both reminiscent of why life is worth living and soul crushingly depressing. It begins with the immense pride you feel for your magnificent piss. “Damn,” you think to yourself smugly, “That was one hell of a piss……. probably should have timed it.” You do your best to ignore that last thought, but it festers. It begins tearing its way through your mind like an abominable little demon of anxiety and regret. You then begin to remember other really long pees that you’ve taken and speculate if this one was longer. But how will you know? You didn’t time any of them. You will just have to go through life always wondering about the lengths of those majestic pisses, but to no avail. You will never receive your answer. You are condemned to a life of torturous ignorance. You. Will. Never. Know. This titanic meteor of reality comes crashing down upon you and smites you to the floor. "But….. how could I have known that it was going be a urination of Olympic proportions?" you tearfully ask the shower curtain. However, the shower curtain in its stoic passivity doesn't answer. "ANSWER ME!" you scream at the towel rack, but something as wise as the towel rack knows when to hold its tongue.

So, lost in the solemn silence of your bathroom at six in the morning as you cry yourself back to sleep on the mat in front of the toilet- completely oblivious to the fact that yesterday you gravely miscalculated you starting trajectory and totally soaked that mat- you find the answer: Pickles. It’s not a very informative or helpful answer, but it’s an answer nonetheless. And so, as you uncurl from the fetal position and climb in to the shower, you are consoled by the one thought that your groggy mind can manage to entertain: "The towel rack saw it; he can back me up……."

For The Gentlemen: A Valentines Day Special

Gentlemen, let me begin by saying: Testicles.

Just enjoy that for a moment, and have a nice chuckle. Done? Good. Now, I'm afraid that I must be the bringer of bad tidings. That most irritating of holidays is almost upon us.

The one day of the year where we must go out and spend preposterously large amounts of money and time, to buy gifts with the sole purpose of proving to our girlfriends/wives/favorite hooker, just how much we appreciate seeing them naked. And gentlemen, make no mistake, that is exactly what it’s about. You often hear the occasional feminist, or middle-aged divorcee say that, “if women ran the world, there would be a lot less problems.”

Now, this statement, aside from being absolutely adorable, is complete and utter whale crap. For the simple reason that women do, in fact, rule the world.

But men should not be blamed for this opinion; for women have carried on with this little charade with such calculated perfection, that its nothing short of admirable . Or, as the urban gentleman so wisely says: “Bitches be frontin’ ”

But gentlemen, let me ask you one question: what is the one resource all women control? EXACTLY SIR! Sex. it is perfect bargaining chip. every woman in the world has the very essence of absolute power (boobs) at their control day and night, and they wield this power with a manipulative genius. You see, they know that men will spend any amount of money on jewelry if it means we will get even a short glimpse of -as the rural gentleman says- "them tig ole bitties",and so they invented Valentine’s Day.

Indeed gentlemen, women know full well that Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with love; it's really just a test. "Well then what is it then?" you ask. It's a test gentlemen.A test to see just how much you think they are worth. I’ll pause for a moment, because I doubt you can hear me over the sound of you crapping your pants.

Those of you who aren’t defecating on yourselves should be, because this test is the equivalent of asking an infant the question “how many shoes?” Where the only right answer is “purple.”

So now you’re probably wondering what you’re supposed to do. Well, the only answer is: spend as much money as humanly possible. I’m serious, start shelling out cash like a crack head on payday. You may be asking: “what if she isn’t really that hot?”;well, if you're slumming it a bit this year, then go ahead and spend even more money on her, because life’s gonna be hard enough on that uggo, and she deserves something nice for once. However, if your particular wife/girlfriend/Columbian mistress has a wildly disproportionate intelligence/hotness ratio, buy her a plastic ring out of a vending machine from a Mexican Restaurant (you know, that one with the awesome cheese dip that has the peppers, yeah that one) and tell her it’s a new expensive light weight platinum, because let’s be honest, she’s probably not gonna know the difference. And gentlemen keep in mind that you can never win; you only lose less.

Although, if you happen to be single on the week leading up to Valentine's Day, just sit back and relax. Enjoy the bitter sweetness of being alone on Valentine’s Day, and watch your friends go into complete meltdowns. But whatever you do, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, attempt to begin a new relationship the week of Valentine’s Day. Because my friend, Valentine’s Day does to a blossoming relationship what Miley Cirus does to music: That is to say, it cuts it’s throat, sets it on fire, it then pees on the fiery corpse, while cackling maniacally into the night.

So, gentlemen, I leave you with one thing to remember: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, if you get caught cheating on Valentine’s Day, she will cut it off… I’m serious, there’s no joke here. SHE WILL CUT IT THE F*** OFF."

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Andrew Johnson.