Ask A Gentleman

The Question: “I’d like to ask a gentleman, when defending a woman's honor, is there a preferred weapon for the gentleman? Should I use a classic weapon or a more modern one? If I use a sword, should I use a katana or a long sword? "-Mr. Gibbons

The Answer: Mr. Gibbons, thank you for that excellent question. First and foremost: a Gentleman never uses guns. Not because of any rule or tradition, its just that dueling pistols are crazy expensive, not to mention they are a HUGE pain to load and maintain and its honestly just not worth the effort. ( also, when you bring a man to the hospital with a gunshot wound, certain people tend to get nosy)

But, in most cases it’s all a matter of context. The weapon of choice must always fit the combatant and the circumstances of the offense. For example: If a common ruffian gives offense, use a good sturdy baseball bat.

Here is a handy quick-reference guide for the most common offenders, and the appropriate weapon for each.

OFFENDER - WEAPON

1. Native American- manifest destiny
2. Common ruffian-baseball bat (preferably wood)
3. French Nobleman- rapier
4. Mexican Bandit- glue, paper mache, and hefty stick
5. Samurai - katana
6. African Tribesman- long spear,
7. Aztec Warrior- small pox
8. Indian-colonialism
9. German Citizen- happiness and/or joy
10. English Knight - claymore
11. Russian peasant- broken vodka bottle
12. Irishman- broken whiskey bottle.
13. Infant- a scary face
14. Clergyman - New York Times bestseller: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
15. Richard Dawkins - crush him beneath the weight of his own ego
16. Caucasian- accuse of being racist ( seriously, it works every time)

This list should serve for most occasions; however there are two notable exceptions:

1.) GvsG- Should a gentleman forget himself, and act in such a way as to offend another gentleman's paramour, and a witty exchange of biting remarks/well placed one liners does not solve the situation, they are to meet in a forest clearing one hour before dawn. They are not to wear shoes or anything above the waist, nor may they bring weapons of any kind. They will take their positions 50 yards apart and prepare themselves. At first light, they are to charge full speed and proceed to "beat the living hell" out of one another until one submits. Only one other gentleman may be present to witness (or help dispose of the body). As for the battle itself, there is only one rule: Win.

2.) GvsD- If a Douchebag is audacious enough to ignore the Gent-Douche treaty of 1774 and look a gentleman's paramour in the eye, Follow these steps EXACTLY.

1. Douchebags are impervious to logic, reason, and wit so you’re going to want to move straight to the fight

2. Douchebags cannot be killed with conventional weaponry so don’t even bother, it just makes them mad.

3. The only known way to destroy a Douchebag is to tie him down and force him to sit through an exhaustive point-by-point presentation on why no one ever has, and never will, like him. You must get into his head the reality that he is a waste of a human being. You must remove all his delusions of being in any way, better than anyone else. He must see himself exactly as everyone else does: A whiny, self obsessed, child-like narcissist, who completely devoid of both character and depth, and who treats women with the same respect as the cum-crusted socks under his bed. If done correctly, the douchebag will turn into a brand new A&F Polo (usually pink) which must be burned immediately, or else it will regenerate into an even more intolerable being than before.

I hope this answer is sufficient for you Mr. Gibbons.

Thank you again for your inquiry.

Sincerely,

-AJ