Gentleman, we need to have a little chat. It has come to my attention that there are some of you out there who have been telling women that they look prettier without makeup on. Stop it. Stop it right god damn now. This type of nonsense is dangerous gentlemen and it is absolutely inexcusable. Now, I understand, lying to women is an honored tradition of gentlemen and douchbags alike. It’s the one thing we have in common. It’s a ritual as old as a gentleman's evening scotch and cigar, but this is just too far.
Now gentlemen, understand me, the fact that this is entire little theory is monumental bullshit doesn’t bother me in the least, I’ve built my life on bullshit. No, what keeps me awake at night is the fear that somewhere, for some reason, there are a those of you who actually believe it. If this is the case, I find it my duty to educate you.
First off, what are the facts?
1. Women are gorgeous creatures
2. This is because of makeup
3. Women without make up are such hideous abominations that even god himself must turn his back on them.
Now I believe the root of the problem is that you are confusing women who wear makeup, with women who don’t know how to use makeup. Some women think that makeup is magical layer prettiness that when applied by the ton, covers up the cornea searing ugliness beneath it. These women are wrecking the curve for those who understand that you don’t need a god damn paint roller to put on concealer. Ugly is ugly ladies. You can put a fresh coat of paint on a dog turd but people still aren’t going to want to touch it. These women are easy enough to spot since their face looks like Monet had a stroke halfway through a painting and instead of stopping going to the hospital, he tried to walk it off and push through. The result is a few splotches that may have slightly resemble water lilies at one time surrounded by random splotches of paint and the jerky brush strokes of a man who no longer has his basic motor functions.
