Gentleman, we need to have a little chat. It has come to my attention that there are some of you out there who have been telling women that they look prettier without makeup on. Stop it. Stop it right god damn now. This type of nonsense is dangerous gentlemen and it is absolutely inexcusable. Now, I understand, lying to women is an honored tradition of gentlemen and douchbags alike. It’s the one thing we have in common. It’s a ritual as old as a gentleman's evening scotch and cigar, but this is just too far.
Now gentlemen, understand me, the fact that this is entire little theory is monumental bullshit doesn’t bother me in the least, I’ve built my life on bullshit. No, what keeps me awake at night is the fear that somewhere, for some reason, there are a those of you who actually believe it. If this is the case, I find it my duty to educate you.
First off, what are the facts?
1. Women are gorgeous creatures
2. This is because of makeup
3. Women without make up are such hideous abominations that even god himself must turn his back on them.
Now I believe the root of the problem is that you are confusing women who wear makeup, with women who don’t know how to use makeup. Some women think that makeup is magical layer prettiness that when applied by the ton, covers up the cornea searing ugliness beneath it. These women are wrecking the curve for those who understand that you don’t need a god damn paint roller to put on concealer. Ugly is ugly ladies. You can put a fresh coat of paint on a dog turd but people still aren’t going to want to touch it. These women are easy enough to spot since their face looks like Monet had a stroke halfway through a painting and instead of stopping going to the hospital, he tried to walk it off and push through. The result is a few splotches that may have slightly resemble water lilies at one time surrounded by random splotches of paint and the jerky brush strokes of a man who no longer has his basic motor functions.
Most women will tell you that putting on makeup is an art form. Now, this isn’t like when they try to say cheerleading is a sport, (Just let it go sweetheart.) they actually give out an Oscar for best makeup artist every year. It requires time, experience, and the desire to not want to look like a Taiwanese prostitute. The women that you see everyday usually have at least a little makeup on even if it’s just eye makeup. (unless its finals week. it is generally agreed that no woman is obligated to wear makeup or clothes that in anyway identify her as female the week of finals or midterms.) Just because they aren’t dolled up like they’re giving out blowjobs for five bucks a pop down at the docks doesn’t mean they aren’t wearing makeup. The trend as I see it in the last few years is makeup that has a natural look to it. earth tones, and natural skin colors are what many women use and this can give the appearance that they aren’t wearing any because it doesn’t stand out as much as vibrant colors like blues, reds, yellows, and dull oranges. Given this, I can fully understand your confusion however, you must also grasp the enormity of the danger that continuing under this illusion causes.
If women ever start to think that we don’t care about their physical appearance, that perception will spread faster than VD at an orgy. Some will say it’s laughable that women could ever think we don’t care about how they look. But if life has taught me anything it’s that people will often believe a lie, however outlandish, because its suits their needs and desires much better than the truth does. How you ask? Think for a second. In the past 24 hours you undoubtedly have heard at least one woman complaining about how much she hates having to get up early and fix her hair and put on makeup and whatever else they do in the bathroom. (I don’t know and I want it kept that way.) And it’s understandable because it’s a huge chore. I know that if I was a woman I just wouldn’t make it. Between periods, child birth, and all the other ungodly shit they have to put up with, I’d just snap and go on a killing spree laughing manically all the while. So is it too farfetched an assumption that if women get the idea into their head that they can have a reprieve from the horrible drudgery involved in being a woman, they would jump at? If even for an instant they considered not having to give one shit about base layers, and concealer, and mascara, lipstick, and whether they are and autumn or winter or what shampoo is best for their hairstyle, they would shout defiantly to the world “FUCK THIS!!”? I say nay, it’s a perfectly reasonable prediction. I’m only surprised the revolution hasn’t happened already.
So gentlemen, in summation; if, after this informant little article you still believe women look better with no makeup, please do either of these two things: kill yourself, or keep your fucking mouth shut.
AJ
Yeah, totally disagree. Funny, though.
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