Gentlemen, Christmas is easily the greatest religious observance ever to be robbed of its spiritual importance and turned into an insatiable beast of consumerism and greed. Just the mere thought of it gives anyone in advertising a raging erection (even the women. don't ask me how, it just does) What began centuries ago as one of the Catholic church's attempts to convert pagan worshipers by holding christian observances on the same days as pagan feasts, ( One of the Church's more rare conversion methods. You know, the ones where they didn't indiscriminately kill everyone who disagreed with them.) has turned into the free market version of a Caligulan orgy. Every year from October to December, its impossible tell where the sweaty intertwined bodies of Ad executives, toy manufactures and retail chain stores end or where they begin. but perhaps the best part of Christmas is that it makes the ball shriveling winter weather bearable. In fact, it can make it pretty damn enjoyable. You find yourself beginning to not mind freezing your tits off because you're warmed with the knowledge that each new day of conditions that even birds have the common damn sense to avoid, brings you one step closer to free crap and an excuse to get hammered enough to make out with your wife's hotter sister.
But when its all over, you find that what was a "winter wonderland" a week ago has become a bleak, depressing, hell-scape. This epiphany is followed immediately by the soul crushing realization that you have four more months of weather that's colder than a yeti's asshole to endure with only the prospect of selling your presents for a Valentines Day gift to look forward to. Therefore, I submit that we officially move Christmas Day to sometime in late March. Many of you may be thinking: "But Gideon, why?" Well I'm glad you asked my boy, so listen up.
It makes winter more bearable.
This is one is pretty self explanatory. If we move it to march, it will make the post-Christmas weather shorter which keeps everyone from being such miserable bastards for four straight months and instead keeps everyone in a state of giddy anticipation.
December birthdays finally get their due
America has made a great deal of progress in the past century. Women gaining the right to vote. The black community finally escaping two centuries worth of inhuman treatment and second class citizenship. Gay women and men getting their own parades. OK, that one still needs some work, but the point is that in the midst of all this progress, one group of Americans was overlooked. A community that has bared their cross with quiet dignity and persistence. I am speaking of course, about people with birthdays really close to Christmas. For too long have these children had to attend their friends birthday parties and sit in silence. longing for the joy of stuffing themselves with cake and ripping into carefully wrapped toys. it is a joy they can only dream of, for they must content themselves with one or two "extra" Christmas presents and a lecture on the how they should be grateful for what they have. Well I say NO LONGER! It is time those boys and girls get to experience the sense of power one gets from deciding who gets to come to their party. Its time they know pure bliss of two different days of free toys and food. How long Gentlemen? how much longer will we let them suffer? How much longer can we turn a blind eye to such injustice? The time for change is now! Are you with me?
It will shorten the holiday break-up period
It is a common practice for men in casual relationships to break up with their paramours before Christmas and get back together with them after valentines day. while this helps a gentleman avoid the asinine act of giving gifts to a girl he may or may not be dating in a year, the amount of drama makes the winters that much longer and that much colder without a warm body laying next him. Moving Christmas to march means you can stay with her over new years ( drunken new year sex is awesome.) and only have to break up from February to April. That's really only enough time for a few a few revenge bangs and a couple of one night stands in between which will greatly reduce the risk that one of you catches herpes from the sluts and manwhores you hooked up with
Help drive the economy
Imagine what Christmas could do for the economy if it was three months longer! Admittedly, for anyone who works in retail, this is a nightmare scenario but this will only encourage them to pursue higher education, and get better jobs which will increase the standard of living. Plus, with such an influx of qualified applicants, the job market will become even more competitive, ensuring that only the most qualified and/or hottest individuals will be in upper level positions which will help businesses increase productivity and lower their overhead costs resulting in lower prices for the consumer. its a win-win for everyone.
So, there it is Gentlemen. My comprehensive argument for the moving of Christmas from December to March. And, although I doubt it will ever come to pass, no matter how many bribes or veiled threats I make to my congressman, ( if your not going to be corrupt then why the hell would you go into politics?) a Gentleman always does his best to leave the world a little better than how he found it.
Sincerely,
Gideon Wilde,
Editor in Chief
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