For The Gentlemen: A Gentleman's Last Piece of Gum

Gentlemen, let me first begin by saying: Jimmy never cracked corn, so stop teaching your children that song. He was an American, and like any good American he hired an illegal immigrant to do it for him.

Today we talk about the most sacred of objects. A holy relic that is guarded with jealousy and fervor. I am speaking of course, about a Gentleman's last piece of gum. A delectable treat so precious that it can only be given to a dying relative, your absolute best friend in the world, or just what ever woman your attempting to romance and/or bump uglies with

I regard gum like children: delicious and expendable. ( Plus, they're both cheap at gas staions) And just like children, I love some gum species above others. whether its my beautiful firstborn bubbalicious watermelon child or the irritating and often ignored orbit gum. ( Trident is the unwanted ginger kid of the gum world)However, regardless of gum species, I view my last piece of gum the same way the news media regards an upper-class Caucasian child who's gone missing.

When a gentlemen is asked for his last piece of gum, he is faced with an ethical quandary of immense proportions. does he A: lie and say he's out and save it for later ( as is his right) B: come up with an elaborate and confusing reason as to why he cannot give said requisitioner the gum eventually resulting in the requisitioner getting tired and giving up thereby earning the gum through superior intellect. C: Refuse to give the gum citing " religious reasons" and when asked what religion, shout at the top of his voice " THIS IS AMERICA DAMNIT !" as your only answer until they give up. D: Challenge them to a game of riddles and give them the gum if they win. or E: decide they are worthy and give them the gum and then stare them down while they chew it.

But what if the gentleman cant decide if the person is indeed, worthy? it can be a grueling and torturous decision to make.

With that in mind, I have prepared a short questionnaire to determine if the Gentlemen or lady who wishes to procure the last of my stock is worthy of it.

1.) Will this person die in the next 24 hours?

1-a.) If so, will they die by my hand?

2.) is this person holding a gun to my face?

3.) is this person a figment of my imagination?

4.) What is their opinion of "The Shawshank Redemption"

4-a.) What do you mean they haven't seen it?

4-b.) WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT?!?!?!

(Go change 1, and 1-a, to "Yes" and " very slowly ")

5.) Are they a douchebag?

6.)do i have a decent chance of sleeping with them sometime in the near future? ( if answer is yes,

disregard all previous information)

7.) is this person the reincarnation of the mayan god

Quetzalcoatl? ( you'd be suprised)

8.) are they a fan of " For The Gentlemen" ? ( if yes, then give them

the gum and take them out to dinner and a movie. preferably shawshank.)

If, after the questionnaire is complete, you still cant decide, just give them the freaking gum because you have spent way to much time on this already and you ( and probably they as well ) have got other stuff to do. This is exactly why your parents never loved you. Ugh, your such a disappointment. NO EYE CONTACT!!!

-AJ