For The Gentlemen VIII: Christmas

Gentlemen, Christmas is easily the greatest religious observance ever to be robbed of its spiritual importance and turned into an insatiable beast of consumerism and greed. Just the mere thought of it gives anyone in advertising a raging erection (even the women. don't ask me how, it just does) What began centuries ago as one of the Catholic church's attempts to convert pagan worshipers by holding christian observances on the same days as pagan feasts,  ( One of the Church's more rare conversion methods. You know, the ones where they didn't indiscriminately kill everyone who disagreed with them.) has turned into the free market version of a Caligulan orgy. Every year from October to December, its impossible tell where the sweaty intertwined bodies of Ad executives, toy manufactures and retail chain stores end or where they begin. but perhaps the best part of Christmas is that it makes the ball shriveling winter weather bearable. In fact, it can make it pretty damn enjoyable. You find yourself beginning to not mind freezing your tits off because you're warmed with the knowledge that each new day of conditions that even birds have the common damn sense to avoid, brings you  one step closer to free crap and an excuse to get  hammered enough to make out with your wife's hotter sister.

Something to get you by

We're still bretty busy with the regime change so to fill the time, heres an old gem of Andrew's: 

Who are we? We are the kids who got ripped from their childhoods as planes smashed into buildings and cars exploded. We sat transfixed, watching something that no child should be allowed to watch. But the people who should have covered our eyes just let us watched and whispered “no you have to see. You have to know what we’ve done and the way things are. Because only you can fix this, only you can make all of it ok again, only you can help. But first, you must see.” We became children trying to be adults with no clue of how to do it. It was like building Legos in the dark with half the pieces missing. And even though we knew it wouldn’t be easy to face when finished, we kept building.

A Gentleman's Farewell

As my 20^th birthday looms ever closer, I become aware of a deep and insatiable desire. It is an urge so base and instinctual in its nature, that it stifles any protests and overcomes all barriers. It is the desperate longing for manhood, for maturity, for completion. I don’t mean a brief feeling of superiority that comes with an initial conquest. I mean something deeper. Something that can only be achieved through experience and adversity. I pine to put aside childish things and leave the safe, well tended path I’ve walked so far in my life. I burn to stray from the trail and burst through the underbrush of the world, forging a new path all my own. I long to meet obstacles and challenges on my own, and overcome them through nothing more than my own skill. I am no longer content with the safety and comfort of the known. I shun the careless bliss of boyhood and choose instead to embrace the rough and dangerous struggle of manhood.

A Toast

Gentlemen, a toast.

To favorite shirts. To rainy Sunday afternoons. To old shoes that are "broken in" not "worn out". To warm summer nights and  that time just before the sun rises when everything no matter what color it is, looks blue. To bonfires and beers. To best friends, girlfriends, and lazy old dogs. to new experiences and old memories. To dirty old hats and visors. To aviators and costas. To sunburns in april and even tans by august. To the beach and to seafood. To bikinis. To hating the douchebag who brought a guitar to the beach. To getting frustrated when the girls your with hang around him. To purchasing a guitar. To the lake. To inner tubes and douchebag drivers. to upper body strength. To the difference between having nothing to do and doing nothing. To sleeping past noon. To going an entire weekend without ever putting on pants. To putting off that thing you know you have to do and assuring yourself that you have plenty of time. To no longer having plenty of time. To the immense satisfaction that comes from saying "Fuck This" even if no one is around to hear it. But mainly, to favorite shirts.

-AJ

Gentleman Pic of The Day

For The Gentlemen: A Gentleman's Last Piece of Gum

Gentlemen, let me first begin by saying: Jimmy never cracked corn, so stop teaching your children that song. He was an American, and like any good American he hired an illegal immigrant to do it for him.

Today we talk about the most sacred of objects. A holy relic that is guarded with jealousy and fervor. I am speaking of course, about a Gentleman's last piece of gum. A delectable treat so precious that it can only be given to a dying relative, your absolute best friend in the world, or just what ever woman your attempting to romance and/or bump uglies with

I regard gum like children: delicious and expendable. ( Plus, they're both cheap at gas staions) And just like children, I love some gum species above others. whether its my beautiful firstborn bubbalicious watermelon child or the irritating and often ignored orbit gum. ( Trident is the unwanted ginger kid of the gum world)However, regardless of gum species, I view my last piece of gum the same way the news media regards an upper-class Caucasian child who's gone missing.

A Reading From "The Book of Gentlemen"

A reading from "The Book of Gentlemen" Chapter 1.

In the beginning, there were boobs. And Man saw the boobs and said that they were good. And there was nothing concealing the boobs from the eyes of Man and Man called those days paradise. But woman saw how Man was pleased with boobs and said. "Come let us make clothing to cover up the boobs so that we may gain power over Man.” And they did this and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And Man covered himself in sack cloth and ashes and sat on the hillside lamenting his misfortune.

On the first day of his lament, Man said: "Come, let us build dwellings for woman so that she may feel comfortable enough to remove the evil that covers her. " so Man did this and called it a "house" and woman saw it and said that it was good, but not good enough. So Man returned to the hill side.

On he second day he said: “come, let us make clothes of our own so that woman will find us more pleasing to her eye. ” and he did this and called the coverings a "Tuxedo" and Woman saw this and was very pleased. But alas, this only made her want better clothes. So Man asked Woman’s friend "Sebastian" to make fine clothes but lo, when he had created the clothes and Man went to pick them up, the greedy little queen would not give the clothes freely.

Gentleman Pic of The Day.

you could cut the tension with a knife...or a shoulder mounted laser

Gentleman of the Day: Mr. Feeny

Name: George Feeny

Life: 1993-2000

Romantic Interest: Teaching life lessons

Quote: " No really, whats your name?...... Are you serious? What the hell kinda name is Topanga?"

Mr. Feeny is the perfect teacher. Except for the whole "being next door neighbors" thing, he is the educator we all wish we had. He's patient, wise, omniscient, and possibly British. If there was ever a problem; be it one of Corey and Shawn's shenanigans gone wrong, an Eric shenanigan gone awry, or the rare Shawn-Eric-Corey-epic-shenanigan-clusterfuck, Mr. Feeny was there to sort it all out and teach the crucial life lesson brought on by said shenanigan. Indeed, Mr. Feeny is second only to Dumbledore in the list of gentleman educators.

His accomplishments include teaching every single consecutive grade in the public education system while simultaneously acting as principal for the same school, holding his silence for 7 years on the Shawn-Topanga affair ( I mean let's be honest) and breaching almost every boundary that should exist between a teacher and student.

For The Gentlemen VI: Vicious Lies!

Gentleman, we need to have a little chat. It has come to my attention that there are some of you out there who have been telling women that they look prettier without makeup on. Stop it. Stop it right god damn now. This type of nonsense is dangerous gentlemen and it is absolutely inexcusable. Now, I understand, lying to women is an honored tradition of gentlemen and douchbags alike. It’s the one thing we have in common. It’s a ritual as old as a gentleman's evening scotch and cigar, but this is just too far.

Now gentlemen, understand me, the fact that this is entire little theory is monumental bullshit doesn’t bother me in the least, I’ve built my life on bullshit. No, what keeps me awake at night is the fear that somewhere, for some reason, there are a those of you who actually believe it. If this is the case, I find it my duty to educate you.

First off, what are the facts?

1. Women are gorgeous creatures

2. This is because of makeup

3. Women without make up are such hideous abominations that even god himself must turn his back on them.

Now I believe the root of the problem is that you are confusing women who wear makeup, with women who don’t know how to use makeup. Some women think that makeup is magical layer prettiness that when applied by the ton, covers up the cornea searing ugliness beneath it. These women are wrecking the curve for those who understand that you don’t need a god damn paint roller to put on concealer. Ugly is ugly ladies. You can put a fresh coat of paint on a dog turd but people still aren’t going to want to touch it. These women are easy enough to spot since their face looks like Monet had a stroke halfway through a painting and instead of stopping going to the hospital, he tried to walk it off and push through. The result is a few splotches that may have slightly resemble water lilies at one time surrounded by random splotches of paint and the jerky brush strokes of a man who no longer has his basic motor functions.

Gentleman Of The Day: Bill Nye

Name: William Sandford Nye

Romantic interests: Science.

Life: november 27 1955- infinity ( if he can make water stay in an upside down cup, he can damn sure discover the secret to immortality.)

Famous Quote: "Man, fuck the police"

Gentleman, we all know this man. He is the lone individual who kept our attention during elementary school. Between the constant threat of a female biological attack and the intense concentration we underwent while actively trying to not shit our pants, grade school was terrible. But between the two sturdy pillars of snack time and nap time was Bill Nye. Always there. Always fascinating. Always showing us things that were completely impossible to reproduce at home. We will always be forever grateful for all that Willy did for us but there's still one thing I don't understand: Was that little ginger kid with the earing a girl or a boy? No one has ever been able to provide an acceptable answer to this question.

His accomplishments include: Aiding in the banishment of Pluto ( don't look at us that way Pluto, you free loading son of bitch.) holding a patent on ballet shoes for some reason, and being married by Rick Warren while world class cellist Yo-Yo Ma played background music. (All of that is true by the way)

Gentleman Of The Day: Mr. Peanut

Name: Mr. Peanut (but you will refer to him as "Sir")

Life: Mr peanut has no beginning and no end. He simply is.

Romantic Interest: Making slow, sweet, honey roasted love to your taste buds

Famous Quote: His gentlemanliness is such that he has never required words.

Mr peanut: Suave, debonair, lightly salted, and Dangerous. all the things that true gentlemen aspire to be. Mr peanut has been the embodiment of simple elegance, and pimp handedness for generations. He has served on the Gentleman's world council since the mid forties and was responsible for finding the only way to destroy a douchebag**

His accomplishments include: Being the only gentleman to successfully rock a monocle after the death of Teddy Roosevelt*. Bringing salty, evenly roasted goodness to us all for decades. And keepin his pimp hand strong enough to smack Snoop Dogg back to the mid nineties where he belongs

*After the death of Teddy Roosevelt, gentlemen everywhere unanimously agreed that no one would ever look as good in a monocle again however, many simply feared that should they attempt to; Roosevelt's spirit would return and dish out some good ole fashioned turn of the century ass kickings.

** see here

Ask A Gentleman

The Question: “I’d like to ask a gentleman, when defending a woman's honor, is there a preferred weapon for the gentleman? Should I use a classic weapon or a more modern one? If I use a sword, should I use a katana or a long sword? "-Mr. Gibbons

The Answer: Mr. Gibbons, thank you for that excellent question. First and foremost: a Gentleman never uses guns. Not because of any rule or tradition, its just that dueling pistols are crazy expensive, not to mention they are a HUGE pain to load and maintain and its honestly just not worth the effort. ( also, when you bring a man to the hospital with a gunshot wound, certain people tend to get nosy)

But, in most cases it’s all a matter of context. The weapon of choice must always fit the combatant and the circumstances of the offense. For example: If a common ruffian gives offense, use a good sturdy baseball bat.

Here is a handy quick-reference guide for the most common offenders, and the appropriate weapon for each.

OFFENDER - WEAPON

1. Native American- manifest destiny
2. Common ruffian-baseball bat (preferably wood)
3. French Nobleman- rapier
4. Mexican Bandit- glue, paper mache, and hefty stick

GOTD: Aragorn

Name: Aragorn, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arv-Pshh, screw this.

Life: 2931, of the Third Age -120 of the Fourth Age ( I'm sure it makes sense somehow)

Romantic Interests: A Smokin hot elven princess; Arwen. (Although, there was that nasty rumor about a weekend in cabo with legolas.)

Famous Quote: "A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. "

Fearless on the battle field, irresistible to maidens, and in constant need of a shower; Arragon is the quentisential Rugged Gentleman. Whether he's leading a lethal force of unstoppable phantoms, single handedly beating the piss out of entire armies, or silently brooding about just how awesome his is; Aragorn makes all men around him seem like total vagi* by comparison

His accomplishments include: Leading and protecting (for the most part) a group of idiots with the WORST decision making skills ever, reclaiming the throne of his ancestors, and leading a laughably small army to victory against a powerful evil entity and his army of mindless killing machines using only hope, sheer will, and blatant Christian allegories

*Vagi is the plural form of vag. . EX: " Jake and Luke wont come sky diving with us" "what a couple of vagi"

For The Gentlemen V: A Gentleman at the Gas Pump

A Gentleman never passes up an adventure. It doesn’t matter if it’s a treasure map, his father's diary that was mysteriously mailed to him shortly before his untimely disappearance, or a shady yet alluring woman that wanders into his office requiring his services as a private investigator. The True Gentleman seizes every opportunity to gain another great story and, if he's lucky, change the very course of history. But a gentleman sees adventures in everyday things as well. Such as: using a public restroom, returning a jacket at Belk, or trying to meet with his college advisor who apparently is either

A. Dead.

B. Out of the country.

-or-

C. A freaking ninja.

But among these mundane endeavors, getting gas is without a doubt the greatest. It starts normally enough. you pull in to one of the thousand or so gas stations that are seemingly always placed on the opposite side of the street and exit your vehicle. you pull out your wallet only to find the only money you have is in the form of a debit card. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but you’ve had a few rough times lately (and by rough times you mean a seriously epic weekend). You’re pretty sure you have at least twenty-four dollars in the account but better make put in an even twenty just to be safe. Now, normally a gentleman never plays it safe, but those overdraft charges are a huge pain in the ass. Like, for real. Seriously, don’t screw with banks, ok? After what happened last year, it’s clear they must be run by evil wizards or perhaps some darker being (Oprah maybe?) But I digress.Once You put your card in and start pumping, it begins.

As the numbers rise, so does the tension. The twenty dollar mark grows nearer and nearer. Your heart quickens; sending adrenaline into the blood stream, heightening the senses, and readying your reflexes for the pivotal moment. It is here that a Gentleman faces his first decision. Do you hold the trigger down the entire time, realeasing it only at the last possible second and catching it at twenty dollars even on the first try? Or do you let go of the pump at about fifty cents away, and slowly pump your way to the limit like some farmers wife churning butter? No. You are no paltry milk maid, you are a Gentleman. So you steel yourself, ready your mind, and watch the numbers climb higher and higher. Your palms grow sweaty and you fix your grip. Never mind those bikini-clad pieces of jailbait off to the side attempting to raise money for whatever worthless cause they are promoting, your focus must stay on that pump. The numbers race higher and higher. Your breathing quickens. Higher and higher. The adrenalin courses through you now, making your body shake with nervous energy. Higher and higher. What’s this? The girls have started a water hose fight? FOCUS MAN! There will be time enough for tail chasing when this is over, but right now your very worth as a human being and, more importantly; as a Gentleman is at stake! Higher and higher… fifty cents away now... higher and higher...twenty cents …Higher and Higher, a brief flicker of fear and doubt dances across your mind but you bat that away and redouble your concentration. Higher and higher. The numbers flicker hypnotically, seeming to speed up as the limit grows closer. All around you sounds, colors, and smells blend together and your vision spins wildly into a sensory maelstrom, but you remain focused on the display as it counts down the last five cents. Here it is man. Your moment. The very day you were born for. HIGHER AND HIGHER you've come this far and braved so much, will you falter? Will you fail? HIGHER AND HIGHER No! You will succeed! Now grasp your moment man. Three cents...TAKE YOUR BIRTHRIGHT!! ....two cents...SEIZE YOUR GLORY!!!... one cent...NOW!!!!!!!....and then it happens.

Time is reduced from a raging and unstoppable river to a minuscule trickle as you reach a plane of being that only fighter pilots, professional athletes, and golfers who have Will Smith as a caddy, reach. You see the world as never before. Things that puzzled you in a previous time suddenly become clear. “Lost” and Lil Wayne songs make perfect sense to you now. You have become perfectly in tune with your universe. You feel the smooth handle of the pump head. You sense the river of gasoline coursing through the hose and emptying into the tank. You hear each drop as it splashes sonorously into the dark and magnificent lake of fuel. And so when you see the display flick ever so slowly one last time, you simply…. let go.

Suddenly everything comes rushing back to you, crashing together into a chaotic cacophony of sights, sounds, and smells. You stand dazed, feeling as if you have just packed an entire lifetime into the span of a few seconds. You look around to get your bearings and see the cheerleaders are still washing cars. It’s still day time, there’s a gas pu-THE GAS PUMP!!!! Your eyes snap to the digital display. They’re still a little fuzzy so it’s hard to make out but, did you-…20.00.................YES!!!! YOU DID IT, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, YOU DID IT!!!!!

You collapse in a mixture of exhilaration and exhaustion. Now the cheerleaders rush over to see why you have suddenly fallen. Tenderly they stroke your hair and sooth you, saying: "Poor baby!" and “Can we do anything for you?" and “Don’t you go to our college?"......"college"? Not high school? Oh verily, this is a day among days! And yet….

The battle has been won but the war is not yet over. You are now faced with your biggest decision yet. Do you now, surrounded by beautiful women and flushed with this recent victory, acquire a few phone numbers and drive away? Or do you tempt fate and gamble the free pump*? It’s an endeavor that requires a hawk’s eye and a pimp's hand. It separates legends from heroes and is NOT to be taken lightly. So what’s your choice? Are you bold enough? Are you daring? Are you a True Gentleman? Well boy, we’re waiting…..

Stay tuned for part two!!

*The free pump is when, after reaching the exact dollar amount, (for instance 20.00 dollars) you pump the handle one last time and get a tiny bit of gas without the price changing. It’s truly a daring move, and is rarely attempted even by True Gentlemen.