A Reading From "The Book of Gentlemen"

A reading from "The Book of Gentlemen" Chapter 1.

In the beginning, there were boobs. And Man saw the boobs and said that they were good. And there was nothing concealing the boobs from the eyes of Man and Man called those days paradise. But woman saw how Man was pleased with boobs and said. "Come let us make clothing to cover up the boobs so that we may gain power over Man.” And they did this and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And Man covered himself in sack cloth and ashes and sat on the hillside lamenting his misfortune.

On the first day of his lament, Man said: "Come, let us build dwellings for woman so that she may feel comfortable enough to remove the evil that covers her. " so Man did this and called it a "house" and woman saw it and said that it was good, but not good enough. So Man returned to the hill side.

On he second day he said: “come, let us make clothes of our own so that woman will find us more pleasing to her eye. ” and he did this and called the coverings a "Tuxedo" and Woman saw this and was very pleased. But alas, this only made her want better clothes. So Man asked Woman’s friend "Sebastian" to make fine clothes but lo, when he had created the clothes and Man went to pick them up, the greedy little queen would not give the clothes freely.

So, on the third day Man dug in the earth and found many shiny metals and precious stones. And he took the metals and fashioned them into shapes and called this "currency.” and he established values for the currency and called this "Economy" and so he purchased the clothes for the Woman, - who was far more impressed with the pretty colors than establishing the building blocks of the first freaking society but hey, whatever- but Woman was not yet satisfied. So Man returned to his hillside to mourn and to wonder if maybe Sebastian had the right idea

And on the third day, after some weird and very uncomfortable dreams about his old gym teacher, Man was approached by woman. Apparently someone had stolen her clothes and even though Man thought that it served the needy little shrew right, he thought that if he could find her belongings, she would finally be satisfied and do away with her clothes altogether. so Man established a set of rules that everyone had to follow and called them "laws" he then established a way of enforcing these laws and called this " The Justice system" he then called his wisest friends and made them responsible for creating new laws when the need arose and called the whole thing "government" unfortunately Woman’s clothes were not returned and she was not pleased. So Man returned to his hillside.

On the fourth day, Man said: “Come, let us fashion the precious stones and left over metals into fine objects. And present them to Woman” So Man did this and called it "jewelry" and called the prettiest stones "diamonds" and Woman saw this and was finally satisfied and so she lay with Man. And after she had lain with him, she was admiring the diamond. And she began establishing rules the Man must follow if he was to give her jewelry and called the rules "marriage". Man then grabbed the ring, destroyed it with great vigor, and returned to his hill to resume mourning

On the fifth day Man said: "Come, let us reason with Woman so that she may see there is no need for Marriage. Let us twist her mind with too much logic and a good deal of bullshit so that she may become confused and just give up on the argument". So Man reasoned with Woman and talked of how things are relative and that marriage is just another way to keep the masses in check" Man's argument was such that others heard it and thought it worthy of analysis and discussion. when they presented Man with their theories he was surprised because a great deal of it he had pulled out of his ass but called their thoughts "philosophy" and made a place for them to discuss more useless bullshit and called this place " College"

On the sixth day Man watched a "House" marathon.

On the seventh day Man had given up all hope and said "come, let us create a medicine to sooth our pain." and so the Man made drinks from barley and fermented them. And he partook of it and low: when he awoke the next morning he did not know where he lay nor from whence he had come. And Man called the drink beer and said that it was good. Woman approached and asked what he was drinking. It was then that Man saw the answer to all his problems....

Here endeth the Lesson for today.